Beyond Reach
by tomboy-girl21
Summary: These are times when she yearns for her sun. A series of oneshots.
1. In the Eye

Disclaimer: Bella wouldn't be breathing if it was so. A series of one-shots (ironic) of Bella after her change.

Summary: These are times when she yearns for her sun. A series of one-shots.

* * *

_Bella:_

I wonder if he still felt pain.

I wonder if he hated me.

But most of all, I wondered if he still loved me. If he still thought of me as much as he said he did.

_"__I only see you. Even when I close my eyes, it's you I see."- Jacob Black_

* * *

**IN THE EYE**

I hid here for hours, masking my presence with an ability I had no full control over so that for a moment, I could have peace. So that I could soothe the agony I felt. Right now, the yearning in my chest was so strong that I could wait for an eternity to catch a glimpse of Life.

So I waited, my impatience marked me barely out of my newborn years. The gaping hole in my chest, it had been small, but widened and widened since I returned to La Push, surged in a chilling affect.

From a glass plane I caught my reflection and even in my pain it shouldn't have surprised me.

I was beautiful.

I had never before been able to say and mean it. Even though I was not a vain person it gave me comfort to know that I was no longer the odd one out. I could stand by my family and belong. I would never be as beautiful as Edward, as my angel, and even as a vampire I knew Rosalie's effortless beauty could not be matched.

But I wondered, would _he_ think me beautiful?

Even though I knew I could never deserve Edward, becoming beautiful as well as gaining speed, grace and strength let me believe if only fleetingly, that maybe I was deserving of him.

As a human I had never thought of myself as beautiful.

But Jacob Black had thought I was beautiful.

My stomach could no longer react, but it clenched painfully anyway. I wondered if he saw me would he still think me beautiful. Would he look at the slenderness of my body and admire it or would he only notice that it was as hard as stone? Would he notice that my skin was smooth, or merely that it was paler than death? Would he see the indescribable shade of topaz in my eyes and feel the same awe I felt, or would he merely see that I had not fed on a human?

Would he see the vampire, before he saw Bella?

It was ridiculous, that it should matter. It was also ridiculous to be living happily with your soul mate for three years and then succumb to the pain of not having _him._

I had chosen Edward. I loved Edward.

But I would always love Jacob. He was Life to me. Everything that made me feel sorrow for my lost human life. He was light, he was warm, he was comfort, he was my sun. He made me miss my awkward blush, my scars, my brown eyes. He made me miss all the parts of me he loved.

I would love Edward Anthony Masen Cullen forever, but in these moments, I loved Jacob Black more.

These moments of pain and yearning were rare and fleeting. But they were fiercely strong. I had left home, left my family while they were hunting, to cross a land full of resentful werewolves to catch a glimpse of a man I had turned down.

I would wait, and hope that the glimpse I so desperately sought would soothe the unbearable ache in my chest. The long ago part of my heart that had broken free ebbed, wanting so badly to be warmed by the soft rays of an endless sun.

I hated myself for that. As a vampire, I had no place in the sun.

**_

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_**

xOx

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Critques are welcome, flames are not. There's a difference.


	2. Pride

Disclaimer: When evil bunny freezes over.

Summary: These are times when she yearns for her sun. A series of one-shots.

* * *

_Bella:_

I wonder if he still felt pain.

I wonder if he hated me.

But most of all, I wondered if he still loved me. If he still thought of me as much as he said he did.

_"I only see you. Even when I close my eyes, it's you I see."- Jacob Black_

* * *

**PRIDE**

I taxed all of my endurance to be here.

It'd only been a couple of years since my change, but I couldn't miss this. I hid myself in the crowd and forced myself to be strong. I was grateful for the excited bustle and chatter that aided in shielding my presence. I wasn't sure if I could use my ability to it's fullest. Not breathing in this excruciatingly intoxicating scent was a Herculean task in itself.

Family members and friends bunched together proudly as they waited nervously for their loved ones to take their first steps into the world. They talked cheerfully around me, ignoring the weird girl in the dark clothes. Briefly I wondered if in another life, I might have been part of that crowd and been in front, standing proud, instead of blending into the background. I banished that thought. Even from the shadows I could still be proud.

Be proud of my Jacob.

Surprisingly, I felt none of the guilt or grief that usually accompanied me when I thought of him. I was anxious and worried, partly because I wasn't sure if I could contain my selfish desire to see him face to face, but also because I was after all: a lion in a room full of lambs. And a couple of wolves. Neither of which were particularly safe to the lambs.

I nervously tugged down my black hoodie, at least Black was early in the alphabet. Inwardly I sighed with relief, I wouldn't have to endure this discomfort for long.

My thoughts drifted and distracted me from my thirst. The scene around me was painfully familiar, I remembered my own graduation. My panic, my hideous yellow graduation robes, my worries over the latest disaster I had selfishly drawn everybody into and even the party.

That night was the last semi normal night I had as a human living between two sets of myths. The sounds around me faded and I could almost see everything all over again: the lights, the sounds, the awe on my classmates faces, werewolves crashing a vampire hosted party, my annoyance at Jake.

That made my senses lurch right back.

Looking back I felt guilty at the reason for my anger at Jacob. He kissed me, but if I was brutally honest, I should have known he would. I'd been aware of his feelings since the beginning, but I hadn't known how deeply they ran until it was too late. I had sought his companionship and yearned for it's soothing effect without understanding the lasting effect it would have on Jake, and on me. That had been the beginning of a long road of selfishness on my part.

I had been so stubborn that Jacob was wrong to love me, that he was immature to despise our kind, and that Edward was the only man I could ever love.

But Jacob wasn't wrong to love me. It was wrong for_ me_ to love him.

Immorality was what I wanted from my change, to live with Edward forever. But even seeing the destructive newborns had not shaken my belief that vampires were something more than human and it was only now that I felt an insatiable thirst that I finally, truly understood Edward's reluctance and Jacob's anger. That animalistic need, that _desire_, it was a craving so powerful and so terrible. It was far more monstrous than a pack of volatile werewolves.

And no matter how much I wished differently, I did not love only Edward.

Almost on cue, I felt the absence of Edward's charm on my bracelet. I had removed it when I left home, pleading a confused Rosalie to cover for me when Edward and Alice returned from hunting until I got back. Not having any physical reminders of my husband made it easier for me to pretend that I wasn't betraying anyone by being here. Ridiculous, since my current existence was staggering proof that I loved Edward.

It was ironic as well. I had first removed my bracelet because of the anguish it brought me after I was changed.

The sorrow that accompanied a little carved wolf.

Now, it brought me comfort. Seeing _him _brought me comfort.

But I realized with a pang that seeing _me_ would bring him more agony than joy. To see his personal nightmare in the flesh would haunt him for as long as he lived. No, I thought desperately, no matter how much my aching heart wished for a reunion, Jacob would not see me. I played with the little charm on my wrist: here at his graduation, surrounded by his classmates, his friends, his brothers, his family, I was infinitely glad to have something of his with me.

The larger, usually dominant, part of me that loved and needed my husband more than blood itself, was strangely numb in it's twisting guilt. For that I was glad, I knew I would pay for being here later. The crushing rush of agony would eventually arise. Just as it had the last time I had been this close to Jake.

The torment I felt after I caught that desperate glimpse had later made convulse in silent grief as I cried dry and hysterical sobs. I knew this time would not be any easier.

But right now I could feel no pain and love only Jacob and taking in those sensations was bliss. A nirvana I wanted to continue for eternity.

A familiar name shook me out of my thoughts and brought me back into the world were I was in dangerous vicinity to my natural pray. I swallowed the new coating of venom thickly and tugged on the strings of my jacket nervously.

"Quil Ateara."

Anxious though I was, I had to grin at the big guy. Almost two years later and Quil was still Quil. I watched in warm amusement as he took his diploma. His principal gave an almost silent yelp during their handshake and I wasn't completely sure if that was enthusiasm only. I shook my head, and then just as quickly, I released my breath in a whoosh.

"Jacob Black." A chorus of familiar voices shooted their glee and I stood frozen. I saw him with a startling clarity from across the room.

The happiness at his success and the shadows of remaining heartache in his eyes made my entire being erupt in agony.

But like an addict, I glorified in the warm surge of pleasure.

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**_xOx_**

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Thanks Sepsis, Jess Readin, and BloomingSparrow for your reviews. Critiques as reviews are welcome, flames disguised as reviews are not. There's a difference.


	3. Casting

Disclaimer: All things must eventually pass in possesion. And I will be waiting.

**A.N.** This chapter starts of slow in terms of angst, but I'm pleased with the effect. Thanks to jacobloveredwardlover, not enough Jacob lovers out there.

Summary: These are times when she yearns for her sun. A series of one-shots.

* * *

_Bella:_

I wonder if he still felt pain.

I wonder if he hated me.

But most of all, I wondered if he still loved me. If he still thought of me as much as he said he did.

_"I only see you. Even when I close my eyes, it's you I see." - Jacob Black_

* * *

**CASTING**

True to her word, Alice's predicted rainfall hit precisely at 6:53 PM Eastern Standard time.

My family loved to play to baseball when it thundered and now that I possessed a measure of athletic ability I did too. But when the sky lit with clashes enveloping myself in a world of literature and a lush chair was far more enticing.

Even the pang of being separated from Edward for hours had faded. I rejoiced that for every hour we missed we had an eternity to make up for it. With a wistful kiss to my husband I relaxed into the quiet atmosphere. Privacy was rare when you lived in a house full of hypersensitive vampires.

My love of the classics, even though in a couple of decades _I_ would be classified as a classic, hadn't lessened.

I'd always loved reading, but as a newborn it had intensified. I could not be in public without there being serious repercussions. Instead I spent time with Edward, talked with Alice, wrestled Emmett for kicks and generally bonded with my family. But mostly I read. Four years had passed since then and I barely put a dent in the Cullen Collection of Literature.

Somehow, even with variety, I always ended up reading romance. Sure enough I snatched Romeo and Juliet off the shelf and plopped onto the love seat.

It was undoubtedly my favorite.

I loved to curl up in one of Esme's hand picked armchairs and read the lines until they were committed to memory. The tragedy of Romeo and Juliet reminded me that despite our hurdles, we were lucky to still be together. I was beyond lucky to have my Romeo. That tragedy could have easily been us, alone without knowing what truly occurred and mourned by our families.

But even with that painful parallel, I still loved that play. I knew that even after her suicide, Juliet had never stopped loving Romeo and I knew for sure that Romeo felt the same. Me and Edward were proof that love transcended death.

I randomly recalled that Juliet had given herself to Romeo before she died. I grimaced, that was eerily similar.

A voice that sounded suspiciously like Emmett commented that Shakespeare must have had a ton of lays. Anyone that could make suicide seem romantic had to be a smooth talker.

Snickering at Casanova playwrights, I flipped to where I had last left off, the scene in which Mercutio jested with his two veritable brothers. In my mind's eye, the casting was clear, the brotherly bond that existed between them could only have Emmett as Mercutio, with Jasper as the voice of reason in Benvolio. Thinking of Romeo unwillingly brought my mind to Paris and I was sure I would see the cringing mental image of Jacob Black in my mind as I often had before.

But the images in my mind's eye shifted uncontrollably. Benvolio morphed into quiet Embry Call, Mercuto was impish Quil Ateara, and a much different Romeo came to mind.

One with warm skin, laughing dark eyes and silky black hair.

The book hit the floor with a dull thud.

I sat, legs locked in position, staring at nothing in particular. I only saw warm Romeo. And almost as quickly as it came, the image faded and my true Romeo came to mind, filling my thoughts with his liquid golden eyes and pale sparkling skin. But the thought of my pale-skinned Romeo didn't stop the anguish that began to over take my frozen figure. Nor the guilt.

Because even if it was an unwilling thought, the casting error of a warm Romeo sent a terrible joy coursing through my veins.

* * *

_**xOx**_

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Critiques are welcome. Flames aren't. There's a difference folks.


	4. In Equal Parts

Disclaimer: Good things come to those who wait.

**A.N. **This chapter is told from Jacob's point of view. Don't worry, Bella makes an appearance at the end. Thanks to syfo, jacobblack'sgirl, and Sarahh Jane for your support.

Summary: These are times when she yearns for her sun. A series of one-shots.

* * *

_Bella:_

I wonder if he still felt pain.

I wonder if he hated me.

But most of all, I wondered if he still loved me. If he still thought of me as much as he said he did.

_"I only see you. Even when I close my eyes, it's you I see." - Jacob Black_

* * *

**IN EQUAL PARTS**

Sometimes I still wondered.

I hated that. I hated not being able to believe that her wedding was another step in her life. I hated knowing what was going to happen, what she would become. I hated how she was constantly in my head. Warm brown eyes and pale skin haunted my thoughts so much I kept phasing.

At first I couldn't control it, that first year she was gone, she was always my thoughts, in my dreams. I couldn't even stay home for a solid period of time till months after the wedding. Coming home was a different hell in itself.

Billy never rode me about leaving. Without it being said, I knew he understood losing someone you loved forever, but I think he pitied me too. And that pissed me off, but I secretly agreed. How pitiful was it to be left by choice?

Charlie sympathized and he never blamed me for having to let go of his little girl before he needed too. It pained me to know that the day he gave her away was the day he gave her away forever. I knew about Renee and I guess he understood better than anyone.

But when he started asking if she'd called me when she began to drop off the radar I found excuses to stay away.

The pack had a mixed reaction. They resented her mostly. Sometimes I resented her too, even hated her, but at the end of the day I hated myself more. Knowing that she loved me and still chose _him_ hurt more than anything. To my utmost relief Leah didn't say anything about it, she was as bitchy as ever. At least someone hadn't changed.

I was grateful because _I _had changed. I'd changed from the boy who Bella Swan had fallen in love with. As much as I missed who I was I knew I couldn't ever go back to that. That part of me was as much hers as it was mine.

School had never been a priority, but now it was. Scholarships were my only ticket out. I could have just ran away again, but I couldn't stand the disappointment I'd feel from the old man and the pack and hell even Charlie. He didn't need that on top of everything else. I didn't like running away and I never would.

I hauled ass during my junior and senior year of High School to qualify. It wasn't that hard to concentrate on school work, no vampires to hunt and no Bella to occupy me.

But she did _occupy_ me, it's just now it was in a sad, pathetic way. She wormed her way to the front of my mind when I least expected it. There was a time when I couldn't even go into the garage. It was pathetic how much she was there. But the term "time heals all wounds" had some truth to it.

Time passed and I graduated, I was exhausted but proud. I felt like yelling out that I made it. Made it without her, I don't know if I wanted to laugh or cry when I thought that. Even in my moment of triumph she was still there. And there was a second during my ceremony when I almost imagined she was. Hanging in the back of the crowd, quiet and proud.

But then she was gone and I hated how crazy I was. How impossible she made it to let go. From unwilling thoughts, to straight up hallucinations, Bella haunted me. I didn't sleep that night. Or the night after. I wished for more than anything to stop thinking of her. Sometimes our memories brought me happiness, but mostly pain.

Eventually I got my wish and except for the rare moment, Bella Swan faded.

I became detached enough to notice that even though I graduated and got a partial scholarship I had no real eagerness to do anything. Leah said that the best place to burn time was college. When she came back after her junior year looking more mellow, I thought I'd look into it.

I took up my scholarship with a new enthusiam. My classes were a variety, everything from poetry to mechanics. Weirdly enough I ended up liking both. I ended up taking Advanced Literature and a higher engineering class as my majors.

But there was still those god damned rare moments.

Over the course of my college life, she popped up. Sometimes I thought I saw her in a crowd. I hated how when the girl turned around I flinched in pain and disappointment. In my variety of classmates, names like Edward and Alice kept popping out.

It was even more aggravating how many little things still got to me, like warm soda, gory movies and motorcycles. Things that'd been mine alone, but were hers now too. It was pathetic how she pushed me away from things I loved, but the brief reprise of warmth I got from them wasn't worth the agony that came with it.

It had been a year since the last time her face brought me pain.

When I woke up my I smelled something sweet, too sweet, vampire sweet, I shot up and the bed frame shook. It was faint and it smelled... floral. Like Bella.

I fell back onto the bed.

I closed my eyes against the pain, I just want it to stop. To move on from the clumsy girl who I'd loved since I was sixteen. But even if I did imprint I knew she wouldn't disappear.

I briefly wondered if in all that immortal time with the leech, she managed to think of me. Somehow I thought so. I didn't know if that thought brought me more joy or anger.

She would always be my first love and no one would ever compare.

* * *

_**x0x**_

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The next chapter will be a companion piece to this one. Poor Jake, he's not as crazy as he thinks he is. Reviews are welcome, flames aren't. Need I say there's a difference?


	5. Solace

Disclaimer: Don't I wish?

**A.N. **A companion piece to the last chapter, continues a little beyond it too. Thanks willywonka5 and Sarahh Jane, glad you like how it's coming along so far.

Summary: These are times when she yearns for her sun. A series of one-shots.

* * *

_Bella:_

I wonder if he still felt pain.

I wonder if he hated me.

But most of all, I wondered if he still loved me. If he thought of me as much as he said he did.

_"I only see you. Even when I close my eyes it's you I see."- Jacob Black_

* * *

**SOLACE**

Usually being near Jacob, seeing him was like the first time we kissed. A painful, pleasurable warmth. It may have been masochistic to come looking for him knowing that, but I did it anyways.

I was weak.

I was selfish.

But above all, I was very foolish.

I had gone to La Push. But he wasn't there and I panicked. When I heard Seth say Jacob was planing on coming back from the university from the Black's kitchen, I didn't stop to think.

I had spent so many days, yet not nearly enough days with Edward, with our family. Only the occasional outside events were signs of any true passing in time. For us, it was merely a part of eternity. It was stupid of me to believe that time wouldn't move on for everybody else. I had been thinking the way I used to.

_Jacob's not far. Only down in La Push._

How oblivious I was. And yet...

I couldn't muster up the energy to feel any type of loathing or scorn at myself for panicking and running to a school three states away. Even knowing the pain I associated with Jacob, I still rushed after him anyways.

To see him safe, in slumber was more of a reward than I deserved.

I expected to feel the guilty surge of pleasure, the agony that came with the relief of being near my sun, but this time was different.

Watching him sleep was... calming.

It soothed the ache in my chest and pacified any emotion other than quiet longing

It was natural.

Nobody was a freak of nature, well he never was. He _was_ natural, born the way he was. But I knew I wasn't, not now. I wished I could be natural, I wished for the smooth, easy silences that we used to have: silences that with Edward were always intense and consuming.

I wanted so badly to be natural, to match every necessary breath he took as he slept and be lulled _to_ sleep by it.

But I couldn't.

Instead I breathed without needing to, curled up on the window sill and watched him. I didn't even bother to use my gift to hide myself.

I knew that reminder of what I was would break the calm and send me into hysteria.

I watched Jacob breathe and pretended I was normal. I pretended I was wholly his Bella.

_**x0x**_

When Jake slept he face looked strangely childlike, untroubled and innocent. He looked so much like the pre-pack Jacob, the pre-vampire Jacob. The Jacob that was sunny and charismatic with untainted eyes that darkened with affection.

Impulsively I wished I could see his eyes now, but I preffered him this way. Asleep he was at peace, asleep I couldn't cause him pain.

Asleep I could imagine it was just like at La Push, before my emotions got out of hand. But were they really ever in my grasp?

But I also wanted him asleep because I was selfish. As long as he was asleep, I wouldn't have to face the shadows that might still be in his gaze. Asleep made him seem less... real.

Seeing Jacob sleep didn't make me guilty.

I knew that guilt would come eventually. But asleep Jake couldn't make me feel anything other than peace.

Feeling at peace with myself was so rare when dealing with Jacob that I savored it in silence.

_**x0x**_

I glanced around his room, smiling at the mess.

Books and papers were scattered across his room, from the titles I could tell he was taking advanced courses in Engineering. He was 22 years old, I recalled in pride, a senior probably. A few pictures and magazines were on his nightstand. I swept over them quickly and let out a relieved breath. There were only pictures of Billy, his sisters, even one of Emily and Seth.

But no pictures of _her._

His possible soul mate.

Jacob hadn't found her yet.

Jacob... was still alone

Grief broke through my peace. He still ... hadn't forgot me.

And that tormented me, but a small part of me glorified in his unrelenting love. I didn't want him to move on. And as horrifyingly greedy as that was, I wasn't surprised. I always had been greedy.

_**x0x**_

Stupid, stupid, stupid! I berated myself. I moved before the wind could carry a stronger scent to Jacob.

Stupid of you to assume Jacob had gone slack on his werewolf instincts. It's not like vampires not being around would make his senses revert to normal, I thought furiously. My heart felt like it pounded in my chest even though I knew it couldn't. I didn't breathe.

After what seemed like an eternity I heard him collapse against his bed with a sigh. Common sense told me to leave now, but I stayed on the fire escape.

"Why Bells?" Shock rippled through my body, twisting and urging to go up there and lean closer. But I felt myself constrict at the pain and desperation that laced his voice.

"Why won't you go away?"

He couldn't forget. Not even if he wanted to.

I felt a horrible happiness. But it was overshadowed by whiplashes of pain. The agony in his voice made me cringe. If I was human I knew that tears would probably be running over my cheeks and I wished so badly that they would. Jacob's Bella struggled to go to him, to comfort him, but I clenched my limbs together.

I brought him more pain than anything else, I reminded myself ruthlessly.

I never brought him happiness. Never that.

I could feel my mouth forming words I couldn't hear but knew by heart. Words that both of my greatest loves had heard during a blizzard so long ago.

_Jacob, my Jacob._

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_**x0x**_

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Longest chapter in this drabble series, I feel rather proud. Unlike the last chapters, the next one will have a different focus. I enjoy reviews, hint, hint.


	6. Judge

Disclaimer: Oh you'd know. You'd know.

**My thanks and responses:**I want to thank Unlove You (Your right, Bella is greedy in a sad way), xx-Secrets-xx (Jacob's going to show up in Breaking Dawn for sure,

Nhler17(I'm glad it didn't come off as too complex), Hockeygurl8868 (Bella's fudged up a little too much to live without regrets, even with Edward), Queen Keira Evans (your grammar seems better than mine and yeah sigh us Jacob lovers have a hard time), w0rstdisaster, IPreferVerticallyChallenged, and also MRSJACOBBLACK280

**A.N. **This chapter has more Edward/Bella than the last few, but it still has all the angsty goodness of Jacob/Bella. Told from Edward's point of view.

Summary: These are times when she yearns for her sun. A series of one-shots.

* * *

**Eclipse:**

_"You love him." - Edward Cullen_

_"I love you more." - Bella_

* * *

**JUDGE**

_"I can't see her Edward. It's like she's ceased to exist. There's only one place she could be."_

Alice's words swirled in my head and I picked up speed, running to the boundary line. I couldn't risk getting too close to the reservation. I wasn't in any condition to be in close proximity with the pack. Especially with Bella there.

_If_ she was there.

I pushed myself, pushed to hear just a little more. I pushed away the agony and focused, I was far, but please. _Please_ just a little more. I stiffened, just barely, a small noise, an indistinct buzzing before-

_God these effects are lame._

_Is that ketchup on the walls?_

_Ouch, was that her arm?_

Quil, Embry and Seth, but no Jacob. I inhaled the air, letting the downward wind bring their distinct smells to me. Their scent was disgusting and vile, but it wasn't... he wasn't here.

And neither was Bella.

_x0x_

I had no idea how far I ran before I collapsed.

Where was she? Where was he? Bella had to be with him, somewhere? But where?

I ripped a tree in frustration. Where was she?

With him, a voice answered.

With that mangy, two-headed, _dog._

Spite and anger bubbled in my throat. Venom coated my fangs and the monster in me that delighted in gore and hunting told me, whispering insipidly, to find that mutt. Find my Bella.

I wanted so badly to believe that it was just worry that made me want to tear him apart till he could no longer regenerate, but I knew it wasn't.

It was far worse than anger, it was rage and envy because even after all these years, he still had some _hold _over her. But a small voice whispered in my head that it was Bella who left, Bella who didn't leave me any type of message. _Bella_ who found him. The dog didn't even know where we _lived_.

Whether it was self preservation or worry that had kept my mind from pursuing that painful thought till now, I wasn't sure.

The thought that maybe Bella still wanted him. That maybe she never stopped.

That maybe she didn't want an eternity with me anymore.

Agony ripped over me. I gripped my arms, wishing more than anything than anything that Bella could have said something different that day in the tent.

_"You love him."_

_"I love you more."_

What about now my Bella? Do you still love me more?

The expected answering silence still made me close my eyes in an excruciating blinding pain.

_x0x_

Faintly, I could hear footsteps coming quickly and the wind carried back a familiar scent, but not one that was not wholly welcome. I didn't want Bella or anyone to see me like this. If he was what she wanted then who was I deny her that?

"Edward."

"Emmett," I replied flatly.

_x0x_

To my relief and surprise, Emmett didn't say anything. He sat next to me, reclining against the trunk and whistling until I glared at him to leave. Emmett ignored me.

"You know I was surprised that Bella gave up her life for you," He also ignored the flinch I unwilling gave and continued talking in the same voice he used whenever he saw something intrigued on an infomercial. Interested, but detached. "Happy, but surprised."

I didn't answer him, not that it even mattered.

_You know Rose loves me, she always will._

"Yes Emmett please remind me of that right now."

He sighed. "You need to get over yourself. What I meant to say was that even though she loves me she won't ever stop wondering what life would have been like if we met back when we were alive. She won't stop wish for the children we can never have. She aches and it hurts me too, you know?"

"Kind of like how you told me it bothered you that when Bella felt cold you couldn't hold her without making it worse. It's sort of like that."

I snarled at him, "Is there a point Emmett?"

"I can't be there when she goes through it, because seeing me makes it worse. It hurts to know that I can't stop her pain. That ache is always going to be there. It might not surface for a while, but I know that sometimes she goes to a playground and just watches. I tried to be there for her once, but she just started to convulse in my arms.

"I wish she didn't feel that pain. But that love that she has for our imaginary kids? It just makes _me_ love her more." Emmett's expressive eyes were serious. "I know that she can live without those kids. And I know that she _can't_ live without me."

"And I know Bella can't live without _you_."

I wanted to agree so badly, but I knew that I couldn't. Bella wanted Jacob Black. "Then why is she gone?" I asked bitterly.

"She gave up her life for you Edward. Let her miss it."

_x0x_

Emmett spoke suddenly. "Did it ever occur to you that maybe Kibbles has a brain and went to college?"

* * *

_Bella:_

I wonder if he still felt pain.

I wonder if he hated me.

But most of all, I wondered if he still loved me. If he thought of me as much as he said he did.

_"I only see you. Even when I close my eyes it's you I see."- Jacob Black_

* * *

Alice had given me an encouraging smile. I waited to hear Edward's voice, a tone the was beautiful, but sad. Pain lacing it even though he would try to hide it.

And his pain overrode almost everything. My guilt, my own agony, the only part of me that refused to feel remorse was the small, but aching part of me that yearned for Jacob. She grieved only for him, for _his_ pain, his unwavering love. And I was torn.

But the louder, dominant Bella. Edward's Bella, began to bubble in self-disgust.

I wanted Edward to yell, to accuse me. Anything to punish me.

But Edward was too good. He wouldn't.

He loved me.

I grasped the door handle and in what seemed like hours, met his eyes. Beautiful, topaz eyes that lit up when I entered our room before darkening with pain. They told me one clear message.

_I understand._

I tore my gaze away. "I'm sorry Edward," I whispered. His sad smile made me collapse on to the floor. "So sorry," I repeated roughly.

I was guilty and horribly glad when he swooped in to hug me like I knew he would.

* * *

_**x0x**_

* * *

It might have thrown off the rhythm of the story by dealing with Edward directly, but I wanted to get it out. Edward is someone who would inevitably enter a Bella/Jacob story somewhere. The next chapter will only mention Edward in passing, but it will focus on a different part of Bella's longing. I hope everyone was in character and that you enjoyed it. (hint, hint) Review.


	7. Orthodox

Disclaimer: Breaking Dawn wouldn't be out.

**A.N. **Thanks to Unlove You (No matter how much Bella loves someone else, she always ends up choosing herself. As a Jacob fan, I still feel sorry for Edward), w0rstdisaster (glad you liked the line), Nhler 17 (I'm relieved that putting in Edward added to the story instead of taking away from it, Emmett needs more credit than he's given),

shaketramp (if your looking for some more good Jacob Bella I recommend blueandblack's stories) and The Sushi Monster (honestly when I first started I wasn't sure if they fit that well, but I'm glad they seem too.)

Am I the only one who read Breaking Dawn and was a little... WTF? I was a little hesitant to write this piece after reading it so it might be a little off. Heavy on philosophical things by the way.

Summary: These are times when she yearns for her sun. A series of one-shots.

* * *

_Bella:_

I wonder if he still felt pain.

I wonder if he hated me.

But most of all, I wondered if he still loved me. If he thought of me as much as he said he did.

_"I only see you. Even when I close my eyes it's you I see."- Jacob Black_

* * *

**ORTHODOX**

"Alice and her silk fetish," I grumbled, under my breath. Seven years later and I was still surprised at how... lyrical my voice sounded. It almost distracted me from my annoyance at my favorite sister.

Almost.

Truthfully, Alice had a fetish for everything at one point in her decades of endless time. At least this time she hadn't subjected me to shopping _with_ her. All I had to do was pick up some package. Edward was, unfortunately, caught up in some antique music store and he looked so intrigued that I loathed to ask him to make a detour.

It was amazing how even as a vampire, I still managed to stumble into people.

"Sorry," I mumbled out of habit. I could almost imagine Emmett in my head, _For god's sake Bella show some __spine_. _Your as intimidating as Donald Duck. Just be aloof, it saves you time. _

I rolled my eyes, but imaginary Emmett did have a point. I was in a hurry, so I straightened and tried to sound at least somewhat collected. "I wasn't looking-"

I faltered.

The person I stumbled into was about as old as Gran. What kind of vampire was I to not have noticed this before? A lousy one, I answered silently. My guilt tripled when I saw her dropped bags. Graceful, my butt.

"I'm really sorry miss," I apolgized again, dropping to the floor to help her collect her things. Quickly, but not _too_ quickly, I had her bags in hand.

"It's alright," her voice was louder than I thought it'd be and warm. She moved to grip her bags and automatically I stopped breathing. As a newborn, intellectually I'd been able to recognize my urges, but reigning them in was as difficult as Edward said. More so even. She was so weak, ... so frail ... Better to be safe than sorry.

I can resist all but temptation.

"Um," I faltered again and handed her some of the lightest bags. "Do you need some help?" I managed to ask.

She laughed. "The polite thing to do would be to turn your gracious offer down, but I'm old so social niceties don't really matter to me anymore," she said.

"I don't mind." And to my surprise, despite my increasing need to go see Edward, I _didn't_ mind.

"Well you had your chance to escape your good deed for day so I won't protest. If you could be so kind to drop my old arse by that table I'd be dandy."

_**x0x**_

We didn't need to walk far since she was meeting up with her family. Apparently she was here with her husband and grandchild, Abby. They were shopping for her grandson's birthday. His name was Jason and her's was Annie.

She sat down heavily. "These old bones slow me down worse than clothes in water," she said ruefully. "Unfortunely, I can't lighten my load."

The words tumbled out of my mouth before I could stop them. "Does it bother you?" I wanted to smack myself, I lived with the most polite people in the universe for the better part of the decade and my mouth is still disconnected from my mind.

She raised a shrewd eyebrow. "Being old you mean?"

I nodded. If I was still human I was sure I would be blushing. But I was curious, aside from Gran I hadn't really known anyone... old. And my memories of her were, well fuzzy.

Annie stretched a little and leaned against her plastic chair. "Age is a matter of perspective," she said airily. "At heart I'm still that passionate dish I was at 16."

I muffled a laugh. She reminded me of Emmett a bit. Too lighthearted to remain serious in any situation for long. Happy in the life they were condemned. She had short silver hair and I could tell from her bone structure and twinkling gray eyes that she probably had been as alluring as she said.

"Don't you miss it?" I hadn't meant to ask out loud, but I didn't take it back. "Don't you miss being 16?"

Annie laughed in a kind, but knowing way. "You young people, too caught up in now." She shook her head then adjusted herself, trying to figure out how to best answer my question. "You remember what I sad about age being a matter of perspective?" I nodded. "The same is said for beauty. And it can be said about time."

"But time, is time," I argued, confused at her reasoning. "No matter who you ask, a week is still seven days. A year is still 365. Yesterday will never happen again."

She raised her eyebrow again. "Are you so sure?"

I wanted to snap at her and say that I had almost three decades of experience. Never mind you can't remember a good chunk of the first two decades, a voice whispered. I ignored it. "Time is constant," I insisted stubbornly. "Your age is proof of that."

Then I winced. Smooth Bella, real smooth. Polite too.

Annie didn't even seem offended, just amused. "Really?" she asked. "There is time, and there is _time_. There are seconds that feel like eternity and years that seem like seconds."

I couldn't argue there, that logic could easily be related to me and Edward. Just being around him never seems like enough and being away from him seems like forever. "But it's because of time that your- not young," I finished lamely.

"I'm young at heart, wise in mind, and graceful in age," she countered. "But that wasn't your original question now was it?" she mused. "You asked if I wanted to be sixteen again. And that question stemmed from my complaint about this antique sack of flesh, am I correct?"

I nodded, a little flustered by her blunt assessment.

"Did you mean in body or in age?" She continued, before I could answer. "Because your answer came from my physical complaints, I'll assume that my younger, delectable body is what you meant."

"Yes," I answered, finding my voice.

"Well then your out of luck," Annie said, reclining against her chair. "Because a young mind, is the only type of youth I would think of. Sure being old means you know more, and you're like a wise sage, but the innocence of youth is a brief thing. That naivety is rare. Sure it makes you stupid and as reckless as a drunken bull, but," she shrugged, "-Eh, everything has it's down side."

To some extent I understood. My family, even Emmett, their eyes were the only true signs of age. Wise and knowing, they had done things and seen things I couldn't fathom. There were things I noticed that they didn't share with me. I found out anyways, but that wasn't the point. Wisdom comes from what you experience and I knew I still had a ways to go on wisdom. I could understand that an unburdened mind, like that of a teenager, was a blessing.

"But why not your body?" I found myself saying. "Does it really not matter to you that you're-"

"Wasting away?" she finished.

"Yeah," I whispered, not sure why my voice was so small. No I knew why I was stunned. How could this woman, experiencing the pains of age, and instead of being bitter, could accept what I couldn't at 18?

Annie sighed and she had a faraway look in her eyes. "I have had my first beer and my first hangover in this body. My first period, my first kiss, my _first_. I have drunken, I have danced, I have laughed and cried in this body. My age is a sign of the obstacles I've overcome in this screwy world. My body is a well earned trophy and frankly my dear, death is a blessing."

"How?" And for the first time in a long while my voice cracked. "How is it a blessing to waste away, to decompose?" I whispered harshly.

She turned back to look at me. "Life needs death," Annie said softly, surprised at me. "To make it precious. There is no point in preserving what will always be there. Why protect what will always stand?" she asked me.

Then her face broke out in a smile. Numbly I turned to see what she was staring at. A man, about her age or older, was holding hands with a little black haired girl and bags, I could tell where from a party supply store.

She stood shakily. "One day you'll understand," Annie assured. "When your in my place and you can value resting with the knowledge that your children are happy and well," She turned back to me. "What's your name? I never did ask."

"Bella," I said. "Bella Swan." _Swan_, a voice whispered, not Cullen.

She smiled at me. "And a beautiful swan you are," she affirmed.

_**x0x**_

She had made brief introductions to her husband Luke who thanked me for keeping an eyes on his "spitfire." Abby the little girl, had waved a shy hello from behind her grandpa's legs.

"You'll understand," Annie said again as she gathered her bags. She ignored her husband's curious looks. "And when your a beautifully aged swan you'll marvel at my wisdom."

When they turned to leave, briefly I saw a flash of another black haired child, with russet skin and wide dark eyes.

The knowledge that the _only_ chance I had of ever truly understanding was lost to me, it was painful. I'd passed it up because one lifetime wasn't enough. I would never _feel_ that aging grace with anyone. Because it was gone, gone with a future I lost, no, _gave up_. My human body, my parents-

_My Jacob._

I crumpled.

_**x0x**_

And that was exactly how Edward found me, hours or maybe seconds later.

Time was an illusion after all, I thought bitterly.

_**

* * *

**_

x0x

* * *

Truth be told I had another idea for a one shot, but after I read Breaking Dawn, it died in my mental arms. So instead I decided to confront the issue of physically aging instead. Something thats always saddened Bella. It still does, but only because now she realizes that she can never understand it to a full extent. My writing in Twilight may be a little off, since I'm still trying to get over BD, but I hope it still lived up to your expectations.

If not, review.

If it did review.

Hint, hint, review.


	8. Laws

Disclaimer: I wouldn't be griping about Breaking Dawn if I was now would I?

**A.N. **Long time no write. What with school, an irksome hurricane and no electricity it's been hard to catch up on FFN. Nonetheless I apologize for the lateness.

Thanks to Orphan Ashley (Renesmee is an ears ore) The Sushi Monster (WTF was one of the tamest terms I could use after the first reading) BloomingSparrow (I'm considering posting an old one actually) Unlove You (Fall it was and I like Edward too though it does make it harder for the pity to go around) bonapuella (nice to see an Edward fan, rather rare commodities here obviously)

and also to everyone who read through.

* * *

_Bella:_

I wonder if he still felt pain.

I wonder if he hated me.

But most of all, I wondered if he still loved me. If he still thought of me as much as he said he did.

_"I only see you. Even when I close my eyes, it's you I see." - Jacob Black_

* * *

**Laws**

Emily was with Sam of course, Jared was cuddling up with Kim, Quil was playing solitaire with Claire and even Brady and Collin, who were still stuck in the awkward stages of hormonal puberty had dates.

I shot back my beer. God I felt old.

This was ridiculous. I was 26, I expected my mid-life's crisis to happen sometime around my mid life. Or whatever was the middle in my ridiculously long werewolf life. I swallowed another groan, even _Billy_ was chatting it up with Susan. No I didn't feel old, I felt _alone_.

My antique dad could get a date? Gods I _was_ pathetic.

I scowled at the clock, 5 minutes till New Year's. Another year of growing older, another year of more responsibilities, another year of screws that feel great, but were uncomfortably empty and another year knowing that _she_ was with the leech.

Whoop-ti-_fucking_-do. Let's celebrate.

"You look like you just found out you sucked off Embry when you were drunk or something."

I managed a tight smirk and nodded slightly. "Leah." Sure she mellowed out after she went to college, invested in weed and yoga I guess, but she was still _Leah_. Sometimes she could be cool and most of the time she was alright to be around, sometimes even perversely fun, but she was still a bitch.

She smirked back, "Jake," then left it at that.

God I hated family reunions. I loved the old man and the pack, hell maybe even Leah, but family parties like these reminded me why I bolted towards the nearest U. They brought back far too many memories, some of them were good, but it didn't matter, they all ended the same. Everyone one of them was like a piece being pulled out of a falling tower. Pull another and they all topple.

"Jake!"

Fuck.

Slowly I turned. Sure enough there was Chief Swan, ex-husband and lonely dad. Before he could open his mouth I shook my head. "Sorry Chief, I haven't heard from her," I said blithely and the beer rumbled unpleasantly with the guilt in my stomach.

Before Charlie could hide it, me and I'm pretty sure Leah too, saw the hopeful glimmer in his eyes die out and he sighed. The low lighting made Leah glow in her her white dress and it made the rest of us 6 ft- somethings, shocking as it was, blend in. But it made Charlie look old, far too old, far too soon.

He breathed heavily and gave me a strained smile. "I should know better, but I guess it's just wistful thinking," Charlie clapped my shoulder, "Happy New Years Jake." Charlie walked off with his head lower than it'd been before.

Bile rose up my throat, violent and hideous. I felt like breaking something.

"Pitiful," Leah commented.

"What the fuck do you mean by that Leah?!" I snapped. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Sam twitch, but I ignored him with a sneer. Leah wasn't his to fret over anymore.

He had his _imprint_.

She rolled her eyes. "It's _pitiful _to see you so hung up on a girl who didn't know how lucky she had it," Leah said off-handedly. "She had you, she had the pack, she had her dad, she had a _life_, and she wrecked it all on her own for someone who's going to die anyways."

"Shut the hell up Leah," I grunted, but I was too tired to feel real anger. I felt tired and old.

"He's immortal," I reminded her brutally, "Or has all that grass finally caught up to you?".

"Ooh," she said. "Touche. Nothing lasts forever Jake. Not the Earth, not the sun, not even time. It's a proven fact. Nothing can go on without something knocking it off it's course. And when that happens, I'll pay a seat to see it."

I snarled and she raised her hand. "I don't hate Swan- Cullen."

"Swan," I snarled.

She rolled her eyes again. "Fine _Swan_, as I was saying, I don't hate her. I just think she's stupid," Leah said plainly. "She wants to live forever, for what? To see herself live off death, whether animals or people, to feel disgust for the hunger she feels around humans, to see everyone she loves, Charlie- _you_, die? _Real_ smart there."

"She has him," I said shortly. I heard the small patter of beer dripping onto Emily's floor, but I ignored it. Why was I even defending the leech anyways?

"But he doesn't have her," Leah countered smugly. "He has _half_. As long as she stays the selfish idiot that she is and as long as _you_ don't let go she'll never be his."

I sneered at her. "No one like a hypocrite Leah," I taunted hollowly. "How does it feel losing someone you that was _yours_?"

"I don't know Jake, how does it feel to be out of the running from the _start_?" Leah shot back. For the first time in months, I felt myself tremble. Think of the tides I thought.

Leah lowered her voice, "I let go," she said fiercely and I opened my eyes tiredly and noted the muted noise.

"_Claire_ knows you love him," I muttered lowly.

"Yeah, but I _let_ go," she repeated. "And you know why? It's because I let it _consume_ me. It's like poison Jake, I had to bleed it out, till I almost couldn't feel anything before I was free. You haven't, you ignore it and then when you slip up on nights like these, when there's too many signs to ignore, it stings like the first day it happened."

"I know," I yanked my arm out of her hand, I had no clue when that happened. "I know," I repeated lowly. "But if I think about it hurts like a bitch, if I don't it comes back anyways and still hurts. Damned if I do, damned if I don't." I distantly noted the loud count down.

"It's gonna make you hate her," Leah said frankly. "It's going to make you petty and bitter and you're going wish that she never existed when you feel that pain, but you'll_ get over it_."

"HAPPY NEW YEARS!" Color bursted into the air.

"Hoorah," I mumbled into my beer and briefly wondered if Claire and Denise were old enough to see their Uncle Jake get drunk.

**_

* * *

_**

x0x

* * *

I figured it'd been too long since I did a Jacob pov. If you liked it, review. Didn't review anyways and tell me why.


	9. No Need

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight and since the movie (although it had it's moments) I'm sort of glad.

Thanks to Unlove You (Eclipse was I think, despite New Moon, the saddest for me emotionally wise, because like you said, Jake get's the short end of the stick), misscoolgirl (it sucks when your favorite characters going through the romantic crapper and I'm glad you liked the Jake-Leah banter since you'll be seeing more of it.) The Sushi Monster (Leah is stronger than people give her credit for) bonapuella (kidding aside, it's a compliment when you say I can get into Jacob's head) and spinningleaves (happy endings are for the unimaginative).

and thanks to romanceaddict3320 and xx-Secrets-xx.

* * *

_Bella:_

I wonder if he still felt pain.

I wonder if he hated me.

But most of all, I wondered if he still loved me. If he still thought of me as much as he said he did.

_"I only see you. Even when I close my eyes, it's you I see." - Jacob Black_

* * *

**No Need**

Smooth and soft, she was _still_ soft.

But-

Her smell was funny. Cinnamon.

I scowled and pulled her closer and she was _hot_, not cool like she was _supposed_ to be and not freezing like she _wanted_ to be, but warm _warm_, warm like me _warm_.

Fuck.

I pushed myself up on my hands and caught something silky in my hand. Groggily I registered smooth dark skin under the sheets and strands of black hair in between my fingers.

"Fuck," I muttered.

"That about sums it up," a sleepy voice agreed. The body underneath the sheets stirred and rose; Leah yawned and stretched. She glanced at me and rolled her eyes, but I was dimly aware that I was in shock. Not only did we... ugh.. but where was the Leah who pounded me for accidentally catching a glimpse between forms?

"Don't look so constipated Jake," Leah said offhandedly. "I don't have any STDs."

I fell back onto the bed. If Leah, Queen of all that is Angry and Bitter wasn't kicking up a fuss, then why should I? There was another relatively small matter to deal with however. "Sam is going to kill me for this," I muttered.

"Maybe," she shrugged and I saw the sheets slid down from the corner of my eye. "I'm betting on minor mutilation though."

We stayed quiet and I tried to remember how we ended up in this..... situation.

Me and Leah had visited from our respective Universities to celebrate Brady's 21st with him. And consequently, we got smashed. Because of our combined high metabolisms, it takes a lot to get hammered and by the end of the night I vaguely remembered Leah complaining loudly she didn't have enough cash to hire a cab.

Either under duress or drunken chivalry, I stupidly (and I got to admit on my list of the most dumb ass things I'd ever done, this was up there with the time I went to our family reunion tipsy) decided to pool together our money and take a cab to my hotel.

And the rest.....

I glanced around the room and blinked. Whoa.

The little desk was turned over, our clothes were scattered, there were dents in the wall that chipped the paint, and the bed, the bed looked like I took an axe to it. The sheets were almost completely pulled from the edges, the pillows were torn. Cautiously, I scooted up to look behind the headboard. It looked like fucking ground zero back there. White-chalk looking stuff and dust sprayed the carpet from the force of our.... enthusiasm.

Images from last night filtered through my head, how neither of us had scars, how our dark skin seemed to flow into each other, how Leah didn't whimper she _moaned_, how I'd grunted in appreciation when I'd clawed of her top, thinking of the difference in seeing Leah naked outside of the pack, how her hands tugged at my hair-

I hissed to myself. Fuck, fuck, fuck fuck.

"We did that last night," Leah said sparsely and I tried to remember saying that outloud. "I'm not sure the bed can survive a reminder."

"Shut the fuck up Leah," I snapped, trying to shake those images out of my head, and more importantly, shake the thoughts of how much my body _wanted_ to be reminded.

Far from intimidated, she raised an eyebrow. "Don't be such a girl Black. I don't know why your freaking out. Granted, this will probably make things awkward at the next family reunion," she shrugged, "But it's not like you haven't done that before- I can't get pregnant, we're both clean and it's not like I'm hounding you for a morning after," she pointed out. "You don't even have a _hangover _for shit's sake."

I grinded my teeth together, how the hell could I have thought?-

"I'm not even holding it against you that you were thinking of Bella."

"How-"

Leah rolled her eyes. "Because you _said_ it. You must of have been more out of it to compare me to her."

"Out of it," I muttered, a little freaked out my how cool she was about it. Accidental fuck or not, I doubted normal Leah would take kindly to being called by another girl's name. A sudden thought struck me. "Did you," I hesitated and lowered my voice, "Think I was Sam?"

She stiffened.

I laughed.

"God we're messed up," I breathed out.

* * *

**_x0x_**

* * *

Review?


	10. Rain

Disclaimer: I'd be hiding my head from the movie critics if I was.

**A.N. **Thanks to cocoapuffaddict (I think everyone agrees with you there, part of what made Breaking Dawn so unrealistic was that no matter how much Jacob deserved to be happy soon, it just wasn't a realistic part of who he was), Blooming Sparrow (I loved that line myself) madameXblack (it's nice to see another fan of dark humor, to few around), bonapuella (That last line was a pretty good summary of the chapter) Unlove You (Yes, shivers, I think we all want to forget Loch Ness.)

and to page of darkness and light, Lady Dreama, MisGenius95 and DXRULES103.

* * *

_Bella:_

I wonder if he still felt pain.

I wonder if he hated me.

But most of all, I wondered if he still loved me. If he still thought of me as much as he said he did.

_"I only see you. Even when I close my eyes, it's you I see."- Jacob Black_

* * *

**Rain**

_Dashing through the snow  
In a one horse open sleigh  
O'er the fields we go  
Laughing all the way_

Carefully, with a quick, reassuring smile to Edward and a brief kiss that made me pause, I slipped away from the living room that was so lovingly decorated by Esme and away from it's cheerfully singing occupents.

Snowstorm of the decade they called it, or as Alice said, "Not severe enough to damage the electricity, but bothersome enough to hinder my decorative lights." The snow, it didn't even seem justice to call it that since it was pouring more than anything, made me instinctively brace myself when I stepped outside.

Of course, there was no sensation that would indicate that the weather was anything other than a cool tickling sensation over my skin.

Christmas with the Cullens.

Sounds like a Christmas carol.

_A day or two ago  
I thought I'd take a ride  
And soon Miss Fanny Bright  
Was seated by my side  
The horse was lean and lank  
Misfortune seemed his lot  
We got into a drifted bank  
And then we got upsot_

Each snowflake was different, my eyes catching the details of all of them perfectly. Eventually I closed my eyes and tilted my head feeling the snowflakes land on my face and slowly melt.

A white Christmas I thought, Alice even lit the fire, for atmosphere she said. I had been surprised I remembered, when I found out how enthusiastically Christmas was celebrated with my family. Alice of course would never miss a holiday that promoted shopping and giving to those you love and for Rosalie, Emmett and even Jasper, their human memories of early mornings and laughter over presents were fondly remembered.

_In a one horse open sleigh  
Jingle bells, jingle bells  
Jingle all the way  
_

Christmas puts everyone hearts in the right place, Carlisle said, even if it _is_ on the wrong day.

Charlie, Rene, Phil

Jacob ....

_Christmas is a time for family, for your loved ones_

My family, I heard the crushing noise of stepped on snow and I blinked, finally opening my eyes. I would have known who it was even before his scent hit my nostrils.

"You didn't have to come out here," I said aloud, but my quiet despair lessened slightly. He said nothing, but moved closer to me, He wrapped his arms around me and I felt his already damp hair press against my cheek as he titled his head back to look at the stormy sky with me.

"It's worse on holidays isn't it?" he murmured against my throat. I stiffened unwillingly, but nodded slightly, pulling his arms tightly around my waist. "If I had known it would bother you this much I would've-"

"No," I shook my head, my hair tangling with his, "I don't want to forget," even though it impossible for there to be anything in my throat besides venom I felt a lump. "They deserve more than to be forgotten while they wait for a Christmas miracle to bring them a daughter who's never coming back."

And a friend, a love, a soul mate.

I heard Edward draw in a breath, but I shushed him. "Just stay with me for a bit," I whispered watching as the snow started to almost imperceptibly lessen. He hugged me tightly.

I felt liquid trickle down my throat and into my scarf. Dry cleaners_ only_, Alice stressed. She would pitch a small fit I was sure, but I paid no mind to anything other than Edward and myself wishing that there was a way I could suffer alone. It was my pain, I deserved to go through it alone, but he would never let me despair in silence while he had fun inside.

With the snow storm dying down I could see the individual flakes better, small delicate, patterns that seemed otherworldly.

_I could stand like this in a snowstorm and it wouldn't bother me. The flakes would turn to rain where I stood._

Tu-shay Jake.

Cool fingers brushed my cheeks. "What?" I croaked, realizing when I opened my eyes that I had closed them. Edward's beautiful pained topaz eyes almost broke my heart again.

"What?" I whispered, raising my own hand to his beautiful face. "What is it Edward?"

_Jingle all the way  
Oh, what fun it is to ride  
In a one horse open sleigh_

"With your expression and the melted snow......... it looked like you were crying."

**  
**

* * *

**_x0x_**

* * *

Merry Christmas.


	11. Parallels

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.

Thanks to Unlove You (Bella paid a price and the consequences of that are what inspired me when I first started writing this), Blooming Sparrow (I was afraid it might have been too sweet, ) mag721 (I was in a melancholy mood, what can I say?) plainly ironic (the last line can make or break a one-shot so I'm glad yo liked it), gently (the love between Edward, Bella and Jake is beautiful, but it is sad) Dance Alice Dance (considering the last chapter, I'm glad you didn't have to wait too long), amoresesperanza (I'll do my best to keep it up and I'm glad you like it)

and to every one else who read an put me on their alert or favorites list.

warning: this is an old chapter that I dusted it off so it may not be as good. Also I use another character to drive a point home, so iif you're expecting only Bella, too bad. Other than that enjoy.

* * *

**PARALLELS**

Even though I had grown close to my sister in the last decade or so, especially after all the covering up she did for me, I was still pretty sure that I was stepping over her territory. With Rosalie, it was hard to tell. There was a part of her she showed to the world, and a part of her she showed only to Emmett.

Rosalie Hale, I had realized over the years, was far more complex of a person than I ever believed, than maybe anyone in our family believed.

Except Emmett.

I used always wished, perhaps insipidly, that if I possessed a beauty like hers, an indescribable, divine glow, that I would cease to feel so inadequate next to Edward. I was more beautiful than any human and I still didn't deserve him. I was beautiful, but still not as gorgeous as Rose.

Rosalie's beauty, unmatched by any, was to her: a curse.

I knew I wasn't beautiful as a human and she knew she always was. But we were both insecure.

I remembered on one of my first hunting trips, not just the grace that left me breathless, but how _happy_ she looked when Emmett joked that she never looked more beautiful than in the throes of fierceness even though he also winked at her suggestively.

She had rolled her eyes and swatted at him playfully, but she had _shined._

I knew that beauty was one of the lesser, vainer reasons why I could never deserve my husband, but it was one I thought of more often. I knew that Edward worried over my soul, but that was flawed and cracked. Beauty was a physical reason, one I couldn't fix and it had given me a strange relief.

I had assumed that being more .. .. godlike, would make just the slightest bit more rightful of the love Edward would always give me. But it had then, when I saw how much joy filled Rosalie's eyes, how hard it must be to be so beautiful and still believe you don't deserve love.

Rosalie didn't believe she deserved Emmett.

She thought she was too _selfish_, too _flawed_.

But I knew selfish and I knew flawed above all. I knew what she went through as a human, used as an object by her parents, living a facade, deflowered against her will and losing the one thing she desired.

She deserved Emmett I assured her, but she just smiled sadly.

_"I have never been selfless Bella," Rosalie had told me softly, "Not when I was alive, not when I was changed, not when Emmett was changed, especially not when Emmett was changed. I like to think that he brings out the best in me, but what I want, what I desire, hurts him."_

I was at a playground, and Rosalie was curled up on a bench, watching the children play.

_"It's hurts to know he won't ever be able to give me what I want and I won't ever let it go."_

"If your going to watch me, you might as well do it from here," Rosalie called out from her wooden, battered seat.

_**x0x**_

The clouded sun started to set and we got a lot of looks for being here without kids, but whatever suspicions I thought they probably had were most likely abated when they saw the sadness in Rosalie's eyes. A blind man could have seen it.

I watched the children with her. I saw frantic mothers, newborn babies and I saw innocence.

"You think I'm beautiful, right Bella?" Rosalie asked suddenly, her eyes still on the occupied swing set. I tore my eyes away from the shrieking girl and her brother. I nodded and she smiled slightly, but it was bitter. She tilted her head and I followed her gaze to a new mom, "Look at her Bella," she urged. "Really look at her, her eyes, her happiness."

I looked over the new mother. She was middle aged, wearing mismatched clothes, her hair was tangled to the point that (if physically possible) Alice would faint, she had circles under her eyes and looked exhausted, but .....

She glowed.

Her eyes were inexplicably soft and warming, more loving than anything I'd ever seen as she stroked her baby's cheek.

She was beautiful.

And it was a beauty I realized that neither I nor Rosalie could ever hope to have.

_**x0x**_

I should have expected this, by coming here it was only a matter of time.

But I didn't expect it.

All it had taken was a stuffed wolf.

I could almost imagine two dark haired children giggling in the sandbox, shoving at each other and shrieking with golden laughter..

I didn't know how Rosalie noticed my pain, but she squeezed my hand lightly.

_**x0x**_

The park was empty and it was late by the time I started to shake.

Rosalie shushed me gently and enfolded me in her cold arms. "I'm sorry Bella," she murmured against my hair. Her angelic voice was pained. "So sorry."

I pulled back to ask why _she_ was sorry, I was the one who ruined the only time she took to yearn for something _honest_ and _pure_, but she quieted me and brushed my hair back with her fingers.

"It's worse for you isn't it?" she asked softly, pushing strands behind my ear..

"Rosal-"

She sighed and pulled back her hand. She faced the swing set again and her face was more melancholy than sad. "Sometimes, and I hate those times, I imagine what life would be like if I had married Royce."

I didn't move for several minutes, finally I sneaked a look at Rosalie through the curtain of my hair.

She was staring at the slide.

_**x0x**_

"In that life, I imagine that I no doubt would have had the children I so desperately wanted. And when I think of that I'm," Rosalie hesitated and wrapped her arms around her tucked up legs. "Almost _glad_ he did what he did."

Words of shock and horror stumbled out of my mouth before I could stop them. "How can you-"

"Royce King was a monster," Rosalie stated matter-a-factly, interrupting my flow of words. "More so than any vampire I have ever come across. I feel hatred and this terrible guilt every time I think his name. It brings me pain. And I wish that if I had to die so young, I wish it would have been in a more merciful way. I was violated. Lied about. Royce said I ran away with another man. No one could mourn me because I brought shame to my family."

Horror washed over me, but Rosalie kept on talking in the same blitheless tone. "I envied you because you were human," she said bluntly.

"I envied you because you could have what I wanted for so long."

"But you got the worse deal out of this life."

I wanted to correct her, argue that her brother was more than I could ever deserve, the greatest gift I could ever have, but I couldn't. Partly because the half of me that loved Jacob agreed, but also because Rosalie was proud. She was headstrong, caring, sometimes a bitch and a lot more private than her PDA sessions with Emmett would indicate. I knew a chance to peek in the mind of Rosalie Hale was rare, even in an eternity. So I listened.

"I don't resent Carslile."

"I don't resent being changed."

"Because even if by some miracle I had survived that attack, I would be broken. Shamed. As a vampire I was saved in more ways than one. _Emmett_ saved me. From hating myself, loathing who I was. He's the first male who called me beautiful and didn't make me feel like smirking in triumph. I _felt_ beautiful. Because he loved me."

"He made me feel worth loving," Rosalie's eyes were breath taking. "Like I didn't have to be beautiful to deserve being cared for. That all I had to do was be headstrong Rosalie and that was all it would take. I wish I could have met Emmett in my life time. He's the only man I would want to have children with. Grow old with."

"Any child of Royce's would be brought into a world of fear and a monstrous marriage. Any child I would have, I would love. But I would _hate_ myself for bringing them into the household of such a vile being. And maybe, just because they had a piece of him in them, I would hate them too."

"And I think I might have been like Esme."

"So contrary to popular belief, I'm glad."

_**x0x**_

She was silent for a long time after that and I wondered if it got too painful for her to continue. I know I would have.

But Rosalie wasn't like me. She was strong.

"You know love is pure when at the end your sure that because of that person, your life is better off."

"Can you say that about Edward?"

"Can you say that if he never came into your life, you wouldn't be happy?"

"You are worse off because either way you would have been happy and you must live with denying yourself one in favor of the other."

Her words had set fire to my pain and my head was bowed by the time she stopped. Rosalie gripped my chin up gently and her golden eyes softened to a malleable topaz.

"I love my brother," Rosalie whispered to me, she pushed my hair back gently. "He was my first true sibling. My first best friend and confident. But what he did to you Bella, you can't ever truly comprehend. By merely coming into your life he robbed you of all those normal, boring, _wonderful_ things I told you."

I wanted to disagree so badly, but I knew it was true. Hadn't I said that to Jacob? That in a world without mythological creatures, we would have had all those things. My family, my Jacob, our children, a life of simple happiness.

She smiled sadly. "You are the most sacrificial person I know, but you are the most insatiable."

"Edward's love is something you need, but because of him you gave up what you should have had. There isn't a 'what if' for you Bella. Because you _know_. You know what you would have had."

"You will always want Jacob's love, and Jacob himself, no matter how much Edward loves you."

I looked away from her, but I still heard the words that were agonizingly true.

"My brother's love isn't enough."

"No," I admitted softly, broken, comforted in the fact that Rosalie would never share this with another person. "It isn't."

* * *

**_x0x_**

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